The Worst Fight Ever!

When life happened and shit got real, I felt alone, lonely, and afraid. I didn't have the courage to dig deep and manage my heartbreak. Grief knocked me out! I bobbed, I weaved, I had the fancy footwork and was fighting within my weight class; well was feather weight during these times because self-care was not of interest. I was face-down in the ring of life wanting to be counted out. I had no desire to get back up but was afraid of what staying down and feeling heartbreak in its rawest form felt like. I was in a new place, with new friends, fighting with vulnerability and my new reality because I was lost. Nothing was familiar.

The impact to the world seemed unaffected, but my reality was dark and suddenly foreign to me. Everything around me kept going so I too, kept going. I felt unsure of my capabilities. I doubted every move I made and could not make a decision even if my life depended on it and it did. My life depended on me to make decisions and I was ill equipped. I was afraid to verbalize my fears because it would then be real and I would admit that I simply did not have the strength, desire or will to keep going. I was opening myself up to be judged by people who had not experienced the devastation and trauma I had experienced. So I kept quiet and kept going. I knew if I had expressed those very real feelings, that folks would think I was overreacting, being weak, or simply have ushered me along to grieve quickly because "life goes on". I was stuck in my head and beating myself up as to why I couldn't just "get over it". My heart felt as if it decided to stop "feeling" to protect me from my reality; motherless-fatherless child and now widow at the tender age of 39. I operated from a mindset of survival - I simply need to get to tomorrow.

I returned to work 11 days after losing my father to cancer, which included travel time to visit my partner and accompany her to a doctor visit regarding a lump in her breast that was being removed and biopsied. This was April, 2011. Having started a new job, less than a year after losing my dad and relocating back to the Midwest, I loss my grandmother 10 months after my dad died to complications of dementia; February 2012. Again, 3 days and I was back on the clock doing what needed to be done to provide for myself and my family. As life would have it, 8 months later my mom was diagnosed with cancer and passed away 8 weeks later; December 2012. I returned to work 3 days after my mother gained her eternal wings. The loss of my parents and grandmother hurt deeply.

June 2013, my now wife and I relocated to the West coast to live the life of empty nesters. We arrived in L.A., June, 2013. We legalized our marriage at a quaint ceremony in Studio City, CA and was ready to make all of our dreams come true. We had love, support and encouragement of one another and our close friends. We were excited about all that life had in store for us. Sadly, my wife was diagnosed with breast cancer October 2013. She loss her battle May, 2015. Yep, you guessed it, I returned to work 3 days after losing her.

When I would feel the tears well up in my eyes, I would quickly take a deep breath through my mouth and hold until the tears would fall down my throat. I could not allow myself to feel because I had a life to rebuild for myself. I was afraid of falling apart because what if I could not put the pieces back together? What then?

I sought counseling for a short while, I'd go before work, and get to work exhausted - barely holding it together. I buried myself in work because that is all I had and what I've always done - I kept going, going, going and going. I had no idea of where I was going, but kept placing one foot in front of the other.

So here I am now, 9 years after losing my dad, 8 years after losing my grandmother and mother and 5 years after losing my wife. Am I good? No. But, I am doing my best.

I've started blogging (again) with hopes to provide a voice to the voiceless and strength for the grieving. What I know to be true (NOW), is we must talk to someone. We deserve to keep living and being our best selves. I can be a listening ear, a strong shoulder and a safe space to fall apart, because I can relate and understand that we cannot rush through grief or avoid it. We must feel all of it, remember all of it, but also hold on to all that was good with it and allow that to be the legacy imprinted on our hearts in our souls.

My hope is that you find your soft place to land after you fall apart. If you need time to simply get your mind together, take that time and seek help. Don't be afraid to ask for it. Everybody needs somebody, and that's the truth. Talk to someone RIGHT NOW; your primary physician, your close friend and/or family member or reach out to me. I'm not a professional, but have lived through devastating ordeals and offer support without judgement.

Thank you for reading!

Be well, and take great care.

b

Resources that I've used:

• Suicide Prevention: 1-800-273-8255 | https://suicidepreventionlifeline.org/

• David Kessler: https://grief.com/